Star War(t)s

First, let me say that I love the Star  Wars movies (except for Episode 1. That sucked.  Jar Jar? Pod races? C’mon George, you’re better than that.)

However, I have (over the last twenty years or so) been thinking about Ep. IV, A New Hope.

Sketchy writing you could drive a Mack Truck through.

First, we have ObiWan. A crazy old man who has spent WAY too much time out in the desert.

“You must come with me to Alderaan.”

“Um, no. I don’t think so.” This is the futuristic equivalent of “Hey kid, I have some candy for you in this white, windowless van. And a puppy. ” And then you wake up in a seedy Mos Eisley hotel in the bathtub with a note, a phone and no kidneys.

Then there’s the lightsaber gift. ObiWan has to explain what it is to Luke, and then Luke powers it on without a second thought of “Hey, I wonder which way this thing goes. I could cut my dick off if I do this wrong.”

Fast Forward to the preparations for battle between the Rebellion and the Empire. Luke is dressed in a flight suit and gets in an X-Wing fighter, like he was going to the the corner Publix to get some BBQ sauce and a loaf of bread.

That thing probably costs a couple trillion credits (even beat up and second hand) and the Rebellion is just gonna let some jerk off from some backwards planet that nobody’s ever heard of go and drive the thing? I call bullshit. It’s not like they can go down to the local used X-Wing  Fighter lot and pick up a couple more. They were scraping by. They were pretty damn lucky that they weren’t throwing rocks at the Empire, in all honesty.

And seriously? These storm troopers that had to have intensive training (or at least enough to scare the bejeezus out of every local towns rougher sections) can’t even hit the side of a brick wall. Just how fucked are they? If the helmet gets in the way, then take it off. Just sayin’…

And finally, the Force.

The “an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.” And nobody’s even heard of it in the first half of the movie. Yet when Luke goes off to fuck up the X-Wing Fighter (see above), I mean, goes off to combat, everybody and their uncle is saying “May the Force be with you.” like he’s some kind of goddamn wizard or something. AND, no one is saying that bullshit to anybody else, just Magic boy there.

What a load of shit! If that happened today, it would be along the lines of “Hope your comet comes to take you home!” or “Hail meatsauce, full of beef. The Spaghetti Monster is with you…” or some other bullshit.

In fact, if you felt the need to say something like this to Luke, I’m pretty sure that you’d yank his crazy ass out of that pilot’s seat and just throw the damn thing at the Empire. It would probably be more effective anyway.

Think about it. He’s gonna shoot a missile down a hole barely two meters wide as the critical piece of your hail mary plan, and he’s hearing voices in his head? Yeah, I don’t think so.  He’s gonna be on the “Snipe” hunting mission, with no bullets. You’d have better luck with Barney Fife.

And him spouting off about hitting Womp rats which weren’t much bigger than 2 meters? First off, Loser Luke there wouldn’t even BE in that meeting with all the brass of the Rebellion. There’d be a squadron captain or some thing along those lines in that meeting, who would then brief his team. Secondly, even if he was in that briefing, the moment he piped up about “womp rats”, that General would’ve had his ass tossed out of the room, if not the fleet, all the while muttering under her breathe about “backwards ass fuck…womp rats…I outta just shoot his ass myself…”


Just sayin’


Parenting is a difficult task. Your two main goals are: 1) keep them alive until they are 18 years old (and recognized as a legal adult) and 2) make them productive members of society.

Along the way, of course you have all manner of challenges, as well as some incredibly touching moments. At some point though, you have to recognize the fact that you did your job; that these kids are no longer kids.

Your children will (and should) have some differences of opinion with you. This is not a failure on your part. If anything, it ‘s a HUGE success. You taught them to think for themselves. Now, the challenge becomes ensuring that they understand that it’s okay to agree to disagree. Youth are filled with raging idealism and they often just don’t understand how the world actually works. This is perfectly fine. They haven’t given up hope in changing the world. They can still be wrong, but at least they are fighting the good fight.

The new challenge, for parents becomes recognizing that your children have turned into adults, and with that, have formed opinions that may (in fact, most likely) run counter to your beliefs.

Your first thought is “Where did I go wrong? I trained them to believe what I believe.” This is not your fault. If anything, it’s a success. They will have differing beliefs, based upon THEIR life experiences and their influences. It’s perfectly normal.

Now, it doesn’t mean that they know everything and are completely wise with the world. I have no idea how to deal with the failing health of your parents, something that my mother is currently dealing with. One day, it will be my turn, as their health fails them. And it will not be easy, I’m sure. There are still things for us children to learn.

The important thing to recognize, as parents, is that the life lessons that you teach now, are farther apart.  You have to trust that your kids have taken your life lessons, and applied them to their life, even if that means that they reject some of them along the way. And it’s okay.

This is the next phase of parenting, where you don’t wield the influence that you once had. You can only advise, and only when they ask. They are adults now. Congratulations. You did your job.

Love and Marriage

SO, I get the level of excitement when a girl gets proposed to. The thrill of the moment, knowing that here’s someone that wants to spend the rest of their lives  with her (which is a WHOLE other issue, one of self esteem), the planning of the wedding, the moving in together, kids…the whole nine yards. I get it. It’s a pretty big day for her. After all, she (potentially) has been waiting her entire life for this moment (again, MAJOR self esteem issues here, but whatever…).

However, when you (being the girl) is on your third or fourth marriage, is it the same feeling? The same giddiness, the same nervousness or is it “God, I hope I don’t fuck this one up too….”

I would be more inclined to believe it’s the latter. I’m not crushing your dreams or desire to be loved, but c’mon…This is NOT your first rodeo. PLEASE have a more realistic expectation of what married life is going to be like. If you are giddy, just like the first time, please pull your head out of your ass and realize that unless YOU change your expectations, it’s more than likely going to be more of the same.

Welcome to misery…

If it is your first time, please listen to the advice of those who have done this dance a few times. Learn from their mistakes, lest you become them. Marriage doesn’t fix your problems; it compounds them.

Lemme explain.

Before, when you were just shacking up (not judging here; think it’s a lovely idea, myself), if things got really bad, you could just leave, or tell his worthless ass to leave. Pack up your shit and just go. There’s a thousand other apartments; no need to live in your own personal hell.

HOWEVER, once you sign paperwork, it’s a WHOLE lot harder to leave or to make his ass leave. And God forbid if you had children with him; that really gums up the works.

Now, I understand that there are assholes who don’t show their true colors until it’s too late. I get that. But if you’re not happy with yourself, or your relationship, getting married is NOT a cure all.

Again, talk to those with the battle scars; you just may learn a thing or two. And if you have those battle scars, and you get another chance at Love, then I’m very happy for you. You deserve it. I’d be willing to bet, though, that your thoughts are more of the “don’t fuck this up again” variety, though.

Just sayin’…